© PhotoDisc, Inc.

Inspiring Good Behavior

Helping Your Young Child Develop Self-Discipline

Have you noticed that your preschool-age child is beginning to feel "grown up" and takes pride in his or her accomplishments? Do you notice that friendships are developing and your child is becoming better at taking turns and sharing? You many also notice that when small problems do occur, your child can often resolve the issue without intervention. But sometimes, like people of all ages, children may have difficulty controlling strong emotions and act out inappropriately. With your loving support and guidance, your child can learn to become more rational, patient, and self-controlled as he or she is faced with making decisions and solving problems.

The process of learning self-discipline is linked closely to children’s relationships with others and how they feel about themselves. Each child needs to develop the ability to determine what is right and wrong. When your child feels good about him or herself, has positive peer and adult relationships, and knows which good behavior is expected and which inappropriate behavior is unacceptable, then your child is on the way to becoming a productive, self-disciplined individual.

A Plan for Setting Limits That Work

Even though your child may scoff at limits and discipline, deep down your child secretly craves both. Why? Because by setting limits you pay attention to your child’s well-being, and this makes any child feel loved and protected. This does not mean there will never be a clash when boundaries are set. The important thing is to set limits for the right reasons.

Psychologist and mother of four, Bonnie Maslin, suggests asking your self the following four questions when determining what warrants your attention (2004):

• Will my rules keep my child from getting hurt? Rules that impose safety boundaries include: no playing with matches, holding my hand when crossing the street, petting a dog gently, sitting in a car seat, and no hitting others.
• Will these limits teach my child right from wrong? Rules that can help your child develop moral values and integrity include telling the truth, paying for what you take, always playing fair, and no name-calling.
• Will my rules help my child to get along with others? Rules that emphasize having respect for the feelings and rights of others include sharing candy with a friend or sibling, waiting to take a turn, sharing toys, saying “excuse me” when interrupting, and thanking others for gifts they give.
• Will my boundaries give my child a sense of responsibility? Rules on responsibility are critical life skills that help all children understand their role in a household. These may include brushing teeth every night, doing homework before watching TV, helping pick up toys, setting the table, and washing hands before meals

Drawing the line and taking action when it is crossed is a tough job for any parent. One thing to keep in mind when setting limits is that the clearer you are about the expectations you have for your child the less time you will spend battling in the end.

Some Typical Difficulties and Positive Solutions

In her brochure Positive Guidance for Young Children, Alice Honig offers positive solutions for some typical problems (2000).

• Tension/Frustration Children who feel under pressure or frustration may show signs of tension such as stuttering and nail biting. If your child seems tense, find situations in which he or she can succeed and build confidence when praised. Too much noise or violent TV may also increase tension; if these are present in your home, cutting down on them may help relax a tense child as well.
• Anger/Hitting Children who have been shouted at or physically punished may direct this same anger toward others. If hitting occurs stop the physical contact and explain to your child that he or she may not hit others. Once your child has calmed down, acknowledge his or her strong feelings, and talk over the problem to find a reasonable solution.
• Fears Real and imagined fears are very real to young children. Fears are an outward sign of an inner insecurity that needs calmness and honesty from adults. Be sensitive by reassuring your child to help cope with imaginary fears. Prepare your child for real, potentially frightening experiences before they occur by talking, reading, or acting them out.
• Taking from Others When your child intentionally takes something that belongs to another, it may be a sign for more attention. When a child feels lonely, resentful, or jealous, the child craves any attention, even the unpleasant attention they get from taking another’s belongings. Figure out why your child is taking what doesn’t belong to him or her. Once the needs are met, this behavior will most likely end.

© PhotoDisc, Inc.

When Should a Parent Intervene?

Your goal is to teach your child how to problem solve independently. However, there are times when you must intervene, such as when someone is getting hurt or property is being destroyed. If trouble is brewing, you should take action before your child does. Dealing with outright disobedience is a job many parents dread. Knowing what to do and how to do it can be confusing. The fact is, dealing swiftly with your child’s misbehavior and doing so consistently matters more than the details of your response.

Children must learn that aggression has consequences (Berkowitz, 1993). Following are some effective intervention strategies:

Six Steps of Intervention

1. Warn the child and redirect. Help the child understand that he or she has the choice to redirect, but if he or she chooses to continue, you’ll carry out your warning.
2. Remove the child if he or she persists on doing what is unacceptable. Act calmly and keep the child with you, telling him or her that the privilege of doing the activity is lost.
3. Discuss feelings and rules when the child is calm. The child won’t have to show you how he or she feels if it is said.
4. Involve the child in the decision of when to go back. Taking responsibility for behavior instills self-control.
5. Help the child be successful when he or she does return so unacceptable behavior can be replaced with the acceptable. Congratulate the child after he or she has settled down.
6. If the child returns to misbehaving, go through the steps again. If he or she still misbehaves, choose another place to play (The Whole Child, 1998).

No discipline strategy can help children behave perfectly all the time. If you and your child are caught in a bad cycle, sometimes all it takes is a change in your behavior to bring out the best in your child’s. If you want your child to be more cooperative, change your focus from improving him or her to improving your relationship. (Neifert, 2001).

Help your child feel that you are on the same team. It is wonderful when you can rely on your child to do the right thing because they want to. Teaching self-discipline using problem-solving strategies builds character and helps your child learn to make responsible choices. It is self discipline that takes over when no one is watching to influence your child to behave in a way that will make he or she feel proud.

References

BACK